Living the Vows

 

For 40 years, you and I have been an “Us”. Statistics would say we were a high improbability  but it  seems we have been inseparable ever since. 38 years ago I stood across from you in the First Baptist Church in Santa Anna, in front of our family and friends and we said the words that would shape the rest of our lives:

“To have and to hold, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health…”

Back then, we were just two kids in love—clueless, penniless, full of grit and determination to do better and maybe a little too young to fully understand what those promises would come to mean.

But now, after four decades… I understand.

We’ve seen the “for worse.” We’ve lived through it. A war that stole you from home while I was pregnant with our first child, if only for a while. Grief that came in waves as we said goodbye to our parents. Times when we weren’t sure how we were going to pay the bills or keep the lights on.

But even in those moments, we had something unshakable—we had each other.

And then came the good. The real good. Our babies. God, I still see their tiny hands, their first steps. Our daughter with her wild heart and our son with his quiet strength, both with that Casey stubbornness …both grown up to be really great humans.  And now—our grandbabies. Two of them. Our house is full of laughter again, of little feet and chocolate milk and pictures of cows.

We built a life. A real one. From the ground up. It’s not perfect, it’s not always pretty but it’s ours! It’s a story only you and I can really appreciate. 

And now… this.

Cancer.

The word tastes bitter, no matter how I say it. And yes, I’m scared. Terrified, some days. But I look at you—and you’re still you. Still strong, still stubborn, still making jokes when no one else dares to. You still kiss me goodbye every morning, and you still  thank me when I cook you dinner at night, even after 40 years.

But here’s what I want you to know:

Cancer isn’t going to take this life we’ve built. We still have another 40 years of stories to add to it. And I meant every vow, every word, every promise.

In sickness and in health isn’t just a line in a ceremony—it’s the way I’ve loved you every single day, and the way I’ll keep loving you through every appointment, every treatment, every hard moment.

We’ve faced so much already, and we’ve never done it alone. We won’t start now.

You are still my heart. Still my home.

Still the boy I fell in love with, and the man I thank God for every day.

So today, I say it again—

I choose you.

I always have.

I always will.

To have and to hold.

Still.

Always.

Survivor 2020

 

Hindsight is always 20/20 (in this case, the year 2020)

This expression means: It’s easier to analyze and evaluate situations when we’re looking back on them in the past, than when we’re in the present moment.

The word hindsight refers to looking back or reflecting on things in the past, and 20/20 refers to perfect vision. So when we look back on situations in the past, we see things clearly that were not clear to us at the time.

Let’s face it; 2020 was a shitshow.  (Yes, I looked this term up in the slang dictionary,  https://www.dictionary.com/e/slang/shitshow/ )The other terms I came up with were even worse. In my wildest imagination I couldn’t have even come close to the reality we came to face. At 51 years old, I had never considered myself a conspiracy theorist but I’ll be honest and tell you that when Covid-19 first started circulating our “info-sphere”. (That’s a new word I created to encompass every platform we use to obtain information...I inserted the hyphen for originality) I thought it was a hoax. I felt no real anxiety and quit honestly, I

Didn’t even give it a second thought. Little did I know that life as I knew it was about to change...and change it did. 

For the past year I have watched a phantom enemy sweeping through our world, sweeping through our homes, sweeping through our minds causing chaos, death, destruction...and perhaps the worst of all, dissension. Mix that with a polar year of politics and you have the perfect cocktail to create a visceral need to survive at all costs. 

I have witnessed things this past year that completely caught me off guard from people that completely caught me off guard. I can tell you this, in the past year I have turned another year older and another year wiser although, I think the wisdom I gained this year alone would far exceed the prior years combined. 

But because I am now able to look “back” at 2020 I want to reflect on the positive things that I can see clearly. This is where my post gets good!

I have learned that my colleagues can take a lot of crap from me and still love me. We, in the healthcare profession, have had to learn to rely on one another in a way we never did before. We have prayed together, mourned together, cried together, laughed together, gotten angry at the world together and simply sat in the quiet decompressing together. We had to accept that we didn’t have answers but were still required to provide care and reassure our patients. At the end of the day....we are still together. And I am beyond grateful for them. 

I have learned that mental health needs to be taken more seriously. 

I have learned that I can live in a world without actors, athletes and entertainers, but I can’t live in a world that keeps me from being with people I love. This year has reminded me what living is truly about...spending time talking and actively listening to the people I care about and being present in every moment. 

I have learned that a person’s truest self will always emerge in a world of adversity and I have seen some truly beautiful people do some truly beautiful things. The random acts of kindness I have been blessed with this past year are probably the very things that have sustained me through the worst of the worst. 

I have learned that I’m stronger than I ever realized, that I still have the ability to learn new things and that I can still remain professional even when my mind is thinking less than professional thoughts. Hey, I’m only human but I’m a human that hasn’t lost my empathy and that is my greatest blessing so far. 

I have learned that hearing a baby’s first cry can make you forget that there is anything less than total joy in this world, even when you can’t see it. 

In hindsight, I think 2020 was just what I needed in my life...a year to regain my perspective and give myself a clearer focus on what is really important in this life. 

I’m not anxious to continue on this current trajectory but I do feel that I can handle whatever comes next.  I don’t plan to put a lot of pressure on 2021. I think just taking it one day at a time will be my best plan.